Star Wars: Pop Culture's Pharisee

Alright. The Last Jedi is headed to theaters in a matter of a few days. What better way to celebrate than with a rant on the fan base and even haters?

The Star Wars fan base and haters are some of the most two-faced, hypocritical groups in all of pop culture. As someone who has been growing up with this franchise since the nineties when the special edition re-releases made their way into theaters, I cannot stand it anymore. Where do we even start?

There's the Santa Claus lookalike known as George Lucas. Let me put it this way: nobody in the Star Wars fan-base likes George Lucas. We merely tolerate him simply because he can direct movies and he isn't Tommy Wiseau. Now he is nothing more than the shadow of his former self, having sold his franchise and studio to Disney because even he can't stand what the fan-base has become. It's not even that, either. This man boasts that making money through movies is an act of monstrosity, yet Lucas was the forerunner of movies as a merchandising vehicle, on top of milking his work to death with the 'special editions' and constant collector items.

Really, George, are you for real? You release 'special editions' of your work with 'updates' like eyesore CGI and you don't take into account of how that goes against everything you stand for? You also have the nerve to say that you hate that you and your studio have become money factories, yet you go around making more movies for the sake of completing what you've started while raking in millions in royalties and revenue. It's utterly groan-worthy, and it's about being a total hypocrite. You WERE that sellout you sought to avoid becoming. You WERE the man who made movies for money.

That said, he's tame compared to other people involved with Lucasfilm. Like the CEO everyone loves to hate known as Kathleen Kennedy. Kathleen has become the target of fans and haters alike thanks to her non-existent 'feminist agenda' simply because of Rey and Jyn Erso. This is ignoring the presence of strong, stand-up females in Star Wars like Leia Organa and Padme Amidala, as well as Ahsoka and Shaak Ti, in addition to villanous female characters like Mara Jade Skywalker, the throwaway bounty hunter Zam Wesell, Aurra Sing from the commercial Vigilante 8 mod known as Star Wars: Demolition, Ysanne Isard from the X-Wing novels, Admiral Dalla, Roganda Ismaren and Asajj Ventress.

Asides from that, she's been the target of the fan-base also because of her mafia-like behavior: if you do what she says, you'll be granted a good chunk of the production process. If not, you're cut because of 'creative differences', regardless of whether you've done anything good in your career. That's ignoring that former Episode IX director Colin Trevorrow's finest work was Jurassic World, a reboot of Jurassic Park that was merely average at best and only made money on nostalgia alone. In a way, it's good that he was kicked because he more than likely would have tainted the reputation of the franchise faster than EA did with their loot boxes in Battlefront 2k17. And yes, I'm calling the games by year to avoid confusion.

And then there's JJ Abrams, a director who also has been known to have been called talent-less because of his power to revive franchises via supposed rehashes and retreads. JJ has also been the target of fans and haters. Insults like Jar Jar or Jew Jew Abrams are commonplace with the fans not familiar with his work. He's merely average at best, like Colin Trevorrow before him, but at least he's also competent in his work. While people mostly remember him for the Star Trek films and Lost, he's also done classics along the lines of Alias and Felicity.

Rian Johnson is also the target of hate by the fandom because of 'The Last Jedi', and how their expectations were subverted because of how Rian Johnson directed everything. You do know JJ Abrams was okay with everything Johnson did, right? And that the hate for 'The Last Jedi' came from Russian trolls? And that JJ is going to have to either stick with the changes or correct course with his original script, adding in crappy explanations in the process? If anything, JJ is responsible for 'The Last Jedi' because he approved of the changes to the original story in the first place. It's completely fake because everyone wants to take a dump on these directors for 'ruining their childhood' and their franchise, yet they defend George Lucas in spite of doing the exact same thing. Piss off with this garbage!

You want to know the worst part of this franchise, however? The fan-base. Oh, Jesus Harold Faltermeyer Christ the fan-base and haters. If you thought the Sonic the Hedgehog fan-base was toxic, Star Wars fans makes them look like choir boys. Growing up and marinading in this franchise for a decade, I'd rather look up creepy fetishes, SonAmy slash fan fictions and original characters than put up with a Star Wars fan. Everyone talks about how loyal the fans are, how everyone will stick to Star Wars no matter what happens. They obviously drank the Kool-Aid. Look around the web like on Reddit and the various forums, and then lecture me on their 'loyalty'. We're some of the most knee-jerk sacks of crap in the world, bar none. They'll talk about how Star Wars is going in a better direction one minute, and then demand that everyone and their brother be fired the next.

Speaking of which, the fan-base also wants George Lucas back in spite of people dumping on him constantly. I'd much rather have Christopher Nolan be a Star Wars director than George, JJ, or even Rian Johnson. True, Nolan has done a few select movies worth watching, but he's still considered a top tier director. Do you know how many Star Wars fans would die to have Nolan as a director? The Aztec sacrifices would pale in comparison.


In regards to the haters, however, there is a channel out there dedicated to fake news regarding the franchise by the name of WorldClassBullshitters. I am NOT making that name up. This is a channel where fans and haters alike go for general doom and gloom regarding the Star Wars franchise, but also to relish in their hypocrisy. One video even discusses how the brand is worthless and dead under Disney, never mind the abuse of marketing and how nobody buys the toys because crack is cheaper. In fact, the channel name is perfect for their content: they really are World Class Bullshitters.

I would also like to point out that stormtrooper armor, enslavement bikinis, white robes with cinnamon bun hair, black armor with helmets, Mandalorian armor and Jedi robes are considered proper attire. In fact, if George Lucas has a funeral one day, I expect anyone who attends to hum out 'The Force Theme'. I also see some rooms that are shrines to the Empire and the First Order. You know, the organizations going around boasting their supremacy and making life a living hell for everyone if they don't comply. It's as real as the non-existent freedom and democracy message that the franchise is known for, if George Lucas is any indication.

All of this hides the inescapable truth regarding this franchise. We are all massive hypocrites.

We decry the rebooted continuity for being diversity friendly and politically correct while ignoring how we were so offended with the caricature aliens in the prequels.

We are the type of fans who will root for the Empire and dress up as Darth Vader and stormtroopers, while liking a movie with an anti-fascism message while having zero understanding of the irony behind everything.

We dump on the female protagonists and the heightened presences of women in the new canon but immediately look the other way regarding female characters in the older expanded universe. Not to mention how the early draft of the first Star Wars film had a female protagonist as well.

We will call out Disney, JJ Abrams and Kathleen Kennedy for ruining Star Wars while ignoring that George Lucas ran his franchise into the ground during his time making the prequels.

We will never shut up about how successful Star Wars is, but we will also be quick to bury any failures from the franchise's past.

We will laugh at the DC Extended Universe and their misery in the film production department but ignore that Star Wars movies as of late have been rushed out the door and altered at the last second on top of going through production members like popcorn. Not to mention that George Lucas himself directed three flops during his tenure at Lucasfilm.



We will put George Lucas on a pedestal for being a great director, and then forget that he was the fan base's personal toilet during the prequels, and that Lucas was more concerned about being a marketing salesman and entrepreneur and ran Lucasfilm like it was a country club.

We will rage about how the Legends Expanded Universe is no longer canon, when George Lucas himself openly hated the idea of an expanded universe, viewing his own movies as the only canon.


We feel bad about the horrors that go on in the film industry, including people dying, but happily ruin the lives of anyone involved with Star Wars, Lucas included.


We will say that Star Wars Rebels is another kiddie show but ignore that the bad guys win constantly, Darth Vader shows why he's the dreaded in Season 2's opener, and The Clone Wars was more or less a spiritual predecessor to Rebels.

We will call Jakku another Tatooine but gloss over Jedah in spite of it being a desert planet as well.

We will call Kylo Ren the most evil Star Wars character for killing fan favorite characters but ignore Director Krennic, Grand Moff Tarkin, Jabba the Hutt, Sheev Palpatine, Dr. Nuvo Vindi, General Pong Krell, Keeper Agruss, Count Denetrius Vidian, Gallis Rax, Grand Moff Lozen Tolruck, and the metric crapton of other characters from Legends and Canon expanded universes that would make the wretched hive of scum and villainy known as Mos Eisley blush with their assortment of atrocities.

We also give Kylo Ren so much hell for killing his father but Sheev Palpatine did the same thing and murdered his family in cold blood in his backstory and we don't bat an eyelash.

And then there's Rey. Good old Rey. We can't have her as a Star Wars hero. She's not a true Star Wars character. She's is the avatar of Kathleen Kennedy's feminist agenda. True, she was able to master things early and almost handed Kylo Ren his ass, but that's because she was left to fend for herself on a desert planet and more than likely had her memory erased, to say nothing of Kylo Ren being a stupid idiot like every other Star Wars character and more or less giving Rey her powers on top of the force influencing stormtroopers like they're nothing. And it's not like Luke Skywalker was capable of blowing up the first Death Star on his first day of being in the Rebel Alliance, when most others just shoot up stormtroopers.

Even if fans and haters alike hate her, who else do we root for as a Star War hero?

-Obi Wan Kenobi: A Jedi Master who is something of a hypocrite and deliberately lied to Luke Skywalker regarding his father

-Yoda: A Jedi Master who thought the order he was a part of needed to be destroyed because it had become corrupted

-Qui-Gon Jinn: A Jedi Master who constantly told the Jedi Council to go to hell and cheated his way to victory using the force, on top of being the trainer for the man who would become Darth Vader

-THE ENTIRE JEDI COUNCIL: A group of zealots who take force sensitive children from their homes and turn them into indoctrinated soldiers

-Anakin Skywalker: The future Dark Lord of the Sith who makes Shinji Ikari look modest while only being slightly more useful

-Saw Garerra: A ticking time bomb who is an outcast of the rebellion and a total extremist that makes Grand Moff Tarkin look like a nice guy

-Padme Amidala: A queen who only revealed herself as such at the last second and goes from badass to useless in the span of three movies

-Mon Mothma: A failure leader who dumps bricks and is quick to give up at the sign of an advantage they don't have

-Jar Jar Binks: A stupid idiot who only served to be trouble to everyone around him, and was responsible for the downfall of the Republic

-Galen Marek: A god mode clone who is somehow more powerful in the force than a Skywalker.

And...

-Tyber Zann: A villain protagonist space pirate out of nowhere who somehow hands Grand Admiral Thrawn his ass a dozen times over

It's baffling that this fandom is allowed to criticize a character of one gender because they're supposedly Mary Sues and catering to someone's nonexistent agenda but we praise other characters in spite of doing things that deny the rules of Star Wars as a whole.

Even if you think I have an axe to grind, there is still one thing that is pure truth: The Holiday Special is the real worst work of the franchise. This is a special that almost killed the franchise before it took off, and George Lucas more or less rushed to get 'The Empire Strikes Back' done so everything would not have been for naught. This is in spite of having one of his trusted aides do The Holiday Special, only to quit as a way of saying 'I am not CBS's slave'. And Lucas wonders why The Holiday Special turned out the way it did, while also having done Attack of the Clones, the other nadir of the franchise.

After putting up with The Force Awakens and Rogue One, and looking at the crap-fest of the internet cultists, I came to only one firm realization: I. HATE. This franchise. Everything about this franchise, top to bottom, is abhorrent inside and out. The sheer arrogance, insufferability, and hypocrisy of the fans, the studio and the franchise, every movie, every word, every interview, every work, oozes like bantha poodoo. Nothing would make me happier to see this franchise crash and burn, like The Holiday Special or Attack of the Clones did. It's coming, too. Nobody's looking forward to the movies or spin-off material anymore. Merchandise isn't flying off the shelves like they should. The games released have been disasters left and right. And now Solo has earned the medal of dishonor of being the first Star Wars film to flop. I personally can't wait.

Star Wars fans, I know you're mad at me. I know you want to punch that seventies or eighties computer out, but deep down you know I am right about everything I said. It's pure gold, in fact, to watch the hypocrites tear themselves apart for petty reasons and to cry about how such a franchise that has lasted forty years and sold billions is coming down in flames. It's brilliant comedy and I look forward to more of it. COME AT ME, NERD PIGS!

And, by the way, John Williams and Michael Giaccino are overrated hacks.